No time to write / Venting

RANT ALERT

Things have been intense lately, in most facets. I am having trouble coping, to be quite honest, but I’m doing the best I can. I can only give a brief overview, for the sake of venting, heh. 

  • Foremost: Work sucks. I work in a research department at a hospital, and we are in full-tilt-boogie mode right now, as my mom would say, in the final phases of a grant application for a nationally-scaled project that puts us at the logistical epicenter. I’d never done this before, and my background isn’t in research so it’s all been learning-on-the-fly. For those like me, applying to a competitive (many teams are applying, only one will get it) grant is like being buried alive with 5 other people with only one shovel.  Aside from the workload itself which I can nevertheless handle, because of all there is to do, they’ve added a new person to the grant team. She’s better organized than I am, with more leadership and just, more speed with this stuff, because her background is in this field. Honestly, though I needed the help (it’s impossible for just one person to handle) I feel completely pushed aside, but I can’t argue, really: she is more competent, even though I’ve earnestly worked my ass off on this project for months now. But even with the things I AM good at, notably making BEAUTIFUL (goddammit!) organizational charts, she walked all over me. She took my charts (which I worked a day and a half on), REMOVED THE COLOR BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT, and put her name on them. Goddamned research nerds have no idea how to make documentation beautiful…. and now all the compliments for the format (even without the color) are going to her. I am livid and frustrated, and feel like absolutely no one appreciates what I do. I’m on the edge of giving up and just saying “fuck all of you” and leaving. But I suppose the difference between her and I is that she’s a workaholic and I am NOT. She comes in weekends, stays until 9-10 pm. I’m not willing and I’ve made that clear to everyone here. This is not my career, and while I can honestly say I’ve never given so much to a job on my work hours… my personal time is my own. She has no limits to how much she’s willing to contribute, so I guess that makes me the loser in this reputation game. Anyway. I feel unappreciated and useless, aside from being overworked. 

 

  • This ties into a personal crisis I’m having: I NEED to start working in my field. But I have no idea how to go about it. I lack certain skills that I desperately want to learn but no one will give me a chance. I’m so AFRAID of failure and change, so scared to not have stable income, that I barely apply anywhere.  I even chewed out my boyfriend last night for applying to a job for me, (because he’s tired of seeing me so frustrated and emotionally drained from my current job and wanted to help) because I wasn’t ready. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, aside from the fact that I am AWFUL with follow-up. For instance, I’ll apply somewhere and then not follow-up on sending the right documents… or I’ll see a job posting and want to apply then forget to. I think it’s an organization issue, tied in with a lack of motivation, a lack of objectives and a lack of confidence. Anyway, I just feel so indescribably awful about myself, but something has to change. I need to work harder and get more serious…. I’m just not sure how to get motivated, or where to start. This world isn’t made for the meek and sensitive… both qualities which I can’t deny make up most of me. I feel I am so weak. The positive side is that my boyfriend doing that sort of lit a fire under my ass and I updated my website… something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now. Maybe I just need to hurl myself off a cliff and then deal with it. (I MEAN METAPHORICALLY)

 

  • I am TRYING to change and deal with my personal issues, but my fucking therapist keeps canceling on me and my next appointment is at the end of October. I am in a fucking Crise Existentielle right now, and feel just totally hopeless and she has so far called in SICK for the last two appointments. Thanks. 

 

  • My cat has run away. Sure, this doesn’t sound like a big deal, in the grand scheme of things but I spent most of my weekend crying and putting up posters. I didn’t realize how attached I was to him before he decided to up and leave. Honestly, for all the energy and tears I have spent, he’d better be dead, or I’ll kill him myself. 

 

  • All of this shit seems so First World Problem-y too. It’s so disgustingly privileged to bitch about “oh noooooooo I don’t like my job”. Trust me, I can’t stand hearing me either… it just adds to my self-loathing, heh. But anyway. I’m still doing my best on the day to day, to get everything done.

 

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No time to write / Venting

7 thoughts on “No time to write / Venting

  1. These don’t really seem like First World problems to me at least not by my definition. I get that some people don’t even have a job, but it does suck being in a job you don’t like. Everyone wants to be doing something they love, but not everyone gets a chance to do it. What exactly do you want to do? I am wondering if you can look for a job on highered.com or USAJOBS.gov (not sure if those are the right URLs). Change is scary, but you have to take the first step if you want to take control of your life.

    Like a said, the desire to be in control of your life is not a First World problem. It is a human problem.

  2. First world problems are a big deal. Not to be cliche, but it’s like telling someone they can’t be upset that their dog died because someone else’s Grandma has died. Our feelings are our own. I try to remind myself of the first world problem thing when I sound a bit whiny though. I’m a whiner by nature apparently.

    That girl who stole your charts sounds like a bitch. If she’s such a workaholic, she should have given more of her free time to make her own damn ones instead of jacking hers. I’d be furious about that. For all of the work that you’re putting into this I hope you guys land the grant. AND more importantly, I hope your kitty comes home. 😦 Sadness!

    Maybe make a list of your goals and then break them down into the steps of how you’re going to do them. If they’re in smaller task lists, maybe that will motivate you to get at them?

    Your art is always gorgeous! I’m sure once you find the motivation you’ll work in your field. Congratulations about your pieces being in that tv show by the way! 🙂

  3. Bran MacFeabhail says:

    Just because you aren’t homeless and starving doesn’t mean your problems aren’t relevant.

    It sucks that the other girl is taking credit–but if they ask her to reproduce it, she won’t be able to eh?

    Follow through on those apps. I was exactly where you are not too long ago, and still not quite where I want to be, but it’s better than nothing. Sending you good vibes 🙂 hope Khan comes back soon too.

  4. mrandisg says:

    Oh sweetie, I know how you feel. I’ve done more than my share of bitching at myself for whining about my problems. I get sick of hearing myself too. But we all need to vent, and some of us have to do it on a regular basis or we will go insane. 🙂 So hang in there, keep venting as necessary, and if your therapist keeps ditching you, ditch her and find one that will listen. Meanwhile, we’re listening too. *hugs*

  5. mrandisg says:

    PS – As for the job search, try making a binder dedicated to that specific purpose. I’ve found that the act of creating an organizational tool helps me focus on my goals and actually builds up motivation. It’s a way of telling your subconscious, “Yes, this is important to me, let’s do it!” Hope it all works out for you. Best of luck! 🙂

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