Things have been intense lately, in most facets. I am having trouble coping, to be quite honest, but I’m doing the best I can. I can only give a brief overview, for the sake of venting, heh.
- Foremost: Work sucks. I work in a research department at a hospital, and we are in full-tilt-boogie mode right now, as my mom would say, in the final phases of a grant application for a nationally-scaled project that puts us at the logistical epicenter. I’d never done this before, and my background isn’t in research so it’s all been learning-on-the-fly. For those like me, applying to a competitive (many teams are applying, only one will get it) grant is like being buried alive with 5 other people with only one shovel. Aside from the workload itself which I can nevertheless handle, because of all there is to do, they’ve added a new person to the grant team. She’s better organized than I am, with more leadership and just, more speed with this stuff, because her background is in this field. Honestly, though I needed the help (it’s impossible for just one person to handle) I feel completely pushed aside, but I can’t argue, really: she is more competent, even though I’ve earnestly worked my ass off on this project for months now. But even with the things I AM good at, notably making BEAUTIFUL (goddammit!) organizational charts, she walked all over me. She took my charts (which I worked a day and a half on), REMOVED THE COLOR BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT, and put her name on them. Goddamned research nerds have no idea how to make documentation beautiful…. and now all the compliments for the format (even without the color) are going to her. I am livid and frustrated, and feel like absolutely no one appreciates what I do. I’m on the edge of giving up and just saying “fuck all of you” and leaving. But I suppose the difference between her and I is that she’s a workaholic and I am NOT. She comes in weekends, stays until 9-10 pm. I’m not willing and I’ve made that clear to everyone here. This is not my career, and while I can honestly say I’ve never given so much to a job on my work hours… my personal time is my own. She has no limits to how much she’s willing to contribute, so I guess that makes me the loser in this reputation game. Anyway. I feel unappreciated and useless, aside from being overworked.
- This ties into a personal crisis I’m having: I NEED to start working in my field. But I have no idea how to go about it. I lack certain skills that I desperately want to learn but no one will give me a chance. I’m so AFRAID of failure and change, so scared to not have stable income, that I barely apply anywhere. I even chewed out my boyfriend last night for applying to a job for me, (because he’s tired of seeing me so frustrated and emotionally drained from my current job and wanted to help) because I wasn’t ready. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, aside from the fact that I am AWFUL with follow-up. For instance, I’ll apply somewhere and then not follow-up on sending the right documents… or I’ll see a job posting and want to apply then forget to. I think it’s an organization issue, tied in with a lack of motivation, a lack of objectives and a lack of confidence. Anyway, I just feel so indescribably awful about myself, but something has to change. I need to work harder and get more serious…. I’m just not sure how to get motivated, or where to start. This world isn’t made for the meek and sensitive… both qualities which I can’t deny make up most of me. I feel I am so weak. The positive side is that my boyfriend doing that sort of lit a fire under my ass and I updated my website… something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now. Maybe I just need to hurl myself off a cliff and then deal with it. (I MEAN METAPHORICALLY)
- I am TRYING to change and deal with my personal issues, but my fucking therapist keeps canceling on me and my next appointment is at the end of October. I am in a fucking Crise Existentielle right now, and feel just totally hopeless and she has so far called in SICK for the last two appointments. Thanks.
- My cat has run away. Sure, this doesn’t sound like a big deal, in the grand scheme of things but I spent most of my weekend crying and putting up posters. I didn’t realize how attached I was to him before he decided to up and leave. Honestly, for all the energy and tears I have spent, he’d better be dead, or I’ll kill him myself.
- All of this shit seems so First World Problem-y too. It’s so disgustingly privileged to bitch about “oh noooooooo I don’t like my job”. Trust me, I can’t stand hearing me either… it just adds to my self-loathing, heh. But anyway. I’m still doing my best on the day to day, to get everything done.