I suppose the nature of disclaimers is that they typically go BEFORE whatever it is they are referring to. Most times though, as in this case, I can do little more than play catch-up after the fact, but still; it’s something.
The reason I write about my depression and bad thoughts on these blogs is because it HELPS me. I missed blogging because it helped me parse our my thoughts and get feedback from the brave few hearty enough to get through my often Mega Downer writings. It feels good to get the bad out.
That’s why, unless I’ve written something particularly noir or irrational (hasn’t happened all that often), I try not to regret or delete those entries, because they are moments of hardship past. They are just parts of who I am, not everything I am… and if anything, once the clouds have cleared, I can recognize that they are bits and pieces of the beast I’ve managed to exorcise.
I don’t do it for pity or concern-mongering, though, and that’s the part I wanted to clarify most. I can understand why it would worry some, online and not, but the thing is: I’m used to this. But I also need a place to vent, and writing is it, for me.
As most sufferers will recognize, depression is something that kind of always follows you around. It’s a black dog always trailing in your wake, and on most days, you can live your life without much difficulty. The dog sits quietly in the shadows, at most making you slightly uncomfortable. But it’s an opportunistic animal. Other days, triggered by you tripping over yourself, it sees its chance and lunges. It tackles you to the ground and bites, and it takes everything you have to fight your way back to a standing position. And you are worse for wear, but still, you’ve learned yet another way to appease the dog, and teach him who is boss. But it’s a constant struggle.
I don’t really like the idea of medication. I like the idea of behavioral therapy, discussion, and awareness. And I like that people care, and I will never, ever take that for granted. I always try to stand my ground and protect others from this black dog first, and I try with everything I have not to involve others. But I can’t really apologize for the dark things that sometimes escape their way onto the screen.
It’s part of who I am.