It’s been a very strange week.
Last week, I went to my GP… got diagnosed with chronic depression, got medication, and got a month’s leave from work, at her suggestion. I’ve been feeling really odd about the whole thing. I remember feeling helpless, overwhelmed and just generally very unmotivated and guilty about all of it.
Since, however, I haven’t really had the presence of mind to think about it, because this past week has been largely about getting through the initial haze of the medication’s side effects. They were something. I’m finally starting to feel better, but I literally spent about 5 days in a weak, nauseated, exhausted haze. I didn’t leave the house except for groceries, and even that wore me out. Yesterday I finally started feeling my energy returning. I also haven’t felt particularly more motivated or healthy, but I think the medication is starting to work in terms of the negativity that has been assaulting me every morning when I wake up since August seems to be gone.
But so does everything else. I’m able to laugh and stuff… but I generally feel kind of emotion-less. I’m not sure if this will change… but it’s definitely affecting my creative drive (and other drives, to the dismay of certain nevertheless amazingly supportive boyfriends). What I do feel involves embarrassment and shame, as I don’t want to play the victim in all this. But you have to explain it to people, and face their “well shit, it’s not cancer” kind of looks. I feel like people think I’m a weakling, and I hate how cliched that is… because of how many times I’ve told depression sufferers not to feel that way. But it’s strange. I’m trying to get over the sensation that this was some sort of concession, like I’ve failed in some regard, even though rationally I KNOW it wasn’t necessarily my fault.
Anyway, there’s also this strange thing where I think the same thing about life… like.. I still think humans are awful, that the world is awful… but I feel ok about it. Like, it’s not getting me down as much. I’m worried that I will become complacent in life… like I’ve been medicated to be a good little consumer robot. Who knows. Anyone who has seen THX1187 will know what I’m talking about.
I’m realizing too, that I haven’t been there for a lot of people lately, in my inner circle. I’ve been so preoccupied and overwhelmed by my own feelings and selfish emotions that I’ve been a shitty friend and family member. I’m going to try and change all that. But I have to take it day by day. I will continue trying.
It’s weird. I don’t know if I like these feelings, or non feelings. I don’t know if this medication is worth it. I feel like part of myself has been suppressed… like my brain is literally unable to remember how I was before. And while that was largely negative… it’s an unpleasant feeling.
Anyway, more on this later. School beckons.