I’m an artist, I pretend I’m a secretary.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written here. I suppose there’s a number of reasons for that.. namely that this place doesn’t have the appeal for me that Xanga did. This place feels barren and cold compared to that community, however chaotic it was sometimes. Not that I don’t appreciate those folks who do read me and whom I read… it’s just different, and I feel less and less drive to write.

That’s another thing. Over the past few months, I’ve been on leave from work, due to depression. An all encompassing kind of visitor who had been tainting my every breath since last August… company I just couldn’t shake until I finally broke last January, at the dawn of a new year. My 30th year. (And no, I suppose that didn’t help either). But point being, all artwork aside, I have never spent less time on a computer. And it’s been great, honestly. I only regret that I have fallen out of touch a little, with the few online entities that are my breaths of fresh air, but essentially I’ve not been writing, because I’ve not felt the desperate need to fill my wasted time at the office, because haven’t been wasting time.
Well, hadn’t been anyway; because here I am again. Typing away at the void because my brain is screaming for me to leave like the building was on fire, and writing these words is the only thing anchoring my butt to this uncomfortable chair.
If I am back here it’s because somewhere, I failed. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t come back here, but here I am back in front of an imposed computer screen, desperate for freedom, trading the best hours of my life for meager remuneration instead of pursuing the truer passions of my heart. Like everyone else. Because really, who dreams of becoming an administrative assistant? I am not denigrating this noble profession. I have seen a great deal of wonderful administrators who make the world go round.
but still, I had promised myself I wouldn’t be here again, but here I am. That’s not to say I haven’t made progress. It’s not to say that certain things haven’t changed. They have. In fact, I’ve noticed one little thing. A beautiful, tiny little thing taking root in the depths of my mental and physical vocal chords. When people ask, I don’t call myself an administrative assistant anymore.
No, I call myself an illustrator. A designer. An artist. A doodler.
Because I have found, over the past three months that, no matter what the struggle, no matter how little else I know about such titles, no matter how much trouble I have visualizing the journey ahead and in forgetting the mistakes past… that is who I am. An artist. And that’s pretty fucking okay with me.
And I will struggle, and I will fight, and I will win some and lose some… but that is at least one thing I can be sure of.
And that’s worth being back here, for now.
Not for long, but for now.

15 thoughts on “I’m an artist, I pretend I’m a secretary.

  1. I’m glad you’re back, I’ve missed your blogs, although I wish it were for a happier reason. *hug* I do agree about it just not being the same as Xanga. The only reason I still blog as much as I do is because it’s necessary for mental health – but it’s just not the same anymore and it sucks. At least we have Facebook. 🙂

  2. girlforgetful says:

    I prefer the way things are here. Xanga, in my opinion, attracted too much negativity and trollish behavior. You must have had much more positive experiences there, though. I hope you find a way to live your life’s passion, I think it may just release you from the chains of depression, or at least give you something more fulfilling to mitigate its effects.

  3. mrandisg says:

    Welcome back! 🙂 Yeah, I completely agree that this place is just not the same as Xanga. We’re all adjusting, I guess, but still…yeah, I miss it too.

    I am so glad to see you calling yourself an artist now! That’s awesome! I hope you always remember that yes, that is who you are. A talented artist. And again, I find myself saying that I know how you feel, because every time I call myself a writer, I get that same little buzz. It feels great!

    As for work, the fact you came back to that job does not mean you have failed at anything. In fact, total opposite–it shows that you are strong and capable of surviving, even when you want to give up and run away. I believe with all of my heart that you are going to find something better soon. Just hang in there. 🙂

    And don’t worry about being away from the computer so much. We all need a break now and then. You deserved a breather. That’s one thing I’m still learning–that you not only need breaks on a regular basis, you deserve to take them b/c you are worth taking care of. I have a tendency to forget to stop and take care of myself sometimes, and that has not so good consequences. So don’t forget to take care of you. You’re worth it. 🙂

    PS–how’s the fundraiser going?

    1. Thank you so much for what you said. It’s nice to know that you can relate to the positive and negative (struggles, etc) sides of being anyone in a creative field. It’s so hard sometimes. You’re quite right about taking care of oneself too. It’s really hard sometimes, and even when we do: hard not to feel guilty about it. But I”ll try to keep that in mind, and you should too! ^_^ As for the fundraiser, well, it didn’t work as well as we’d hoped, but my goodness we were still so blown away by the generosity of others. The boyfriend is leaving for WWDC this weekend, and every little bit helps. He’s super excited. I know you donated, so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

  4. Bran MacFeabhail says:

    You are an artist. Always knew you were. Everything else was just extra. 🙂 I write some here and there, but I’ve been on tumblr more than wordpress lately. So much art! So many neat things. (Easy to get lost in there though, so be careful ha)

    I miss the regular blogging, but I guess I’ve gotten too busy to do it much anymore. I get my aggression out on skates, mostly, but damn it feels good to write when I sit down to it.

    Glad you’re doing better than you were. mrandisg is right–you may not be where you want to be yet, but you are doing what you need to take care of yourself right now. That’s what’s important. ❤

    1. You, darling… are just… SO awesome. You always keep it real, and you always give me such great perspective. Before replying to the rest of the comment, I just wanted to say that. But yeah, I agree. I miss regular blogging too, I miss the Xanga feel… because it DOES feel good when we actually get to it. And thank you for the well-wishing.

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