Unexpected anxiety

It’s a strange thing to feel sad about leaving a job you always contended you hated. Kind of like some ultimate form of irony. For so many years, working at the hospital sustained my finances, but also fueled the vilest resentment in innumerable frustrated, self-sorry blog postings. What I failed to realize and acknowledge was that really, I could have changed my situation any time. I suppose what I really resented was my own lack of nerve.. but what I think I know now, is that if I didn’t do it before, it’s because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t fully trained as a designer, I wasn’t confident enough in my artistic skills to take a leap. That’s changed.

But enough philosophizing. Things happen in their own time I guess, and I finally made a decision to leave, tomorrow is my last day. It’s all very sudden, and if I’m writing about it in my largely defunct blog, it’s because it’s actually quite a big deal for me. Douglas has been part of my life for a long, long time. I’m finding it surprisingly hard to let go.

It’s weird, because where I’m replacing right now isn’t at all like the other, more stressful places I’ve worked at in the hospital. It’s actually a wonderful team, and had I found them earlier, I’m not sure I would have left quite so readily. It’s always like that… either you have no options, or you have too many.

And where I’m going is also a great team, but I’ll be taking a considerable pay cut to benefit from the experience in my field. It’s a risk. A really big one, and I’m not the kind of person who takes them often, or lightheartedly.

I’m migrainy, tired and generally anxious… but it’s done now, and I can’t turn back… but I’ve at least fulfilled my goal of making this big change at 30, which I never thought possible. To get into my field, no matter what.

I guess you could say, I did it.

That’s something.

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Unexpected anxiety

8 thoughts on “Unexpected anxiety

  1. There’s always that “Stockholm syndrome” feel when you make a big change, especially when you’ve been with the hospital for quite a while.

    Good luck on the new job 🙂

  2. Bran MacFeabhail says:

    What Jose said. I’m starting to feel that way now, even while I hunt for a way out ha Here’s to big changes and general discomfort! 🙂

  3. Yay! I’m proud of you! I know someone else who recently took a leap of faith just as you have, and she’s doing fine so far. I believe you both have done the right thing. Best of luck! 🙂

  4. Mom says:

    Dear Liz
    Just read your “Leaving Douglas” blog
    …touching and so well expressed…congratulations, albeit a little late.

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