“I just want to say that I truly sense that your depression stems from the inability to break free from what you know, and I truly and sincerely hope you can wake up one day and break the chains that are holding you down from something huge and life-changing.”

It’s funny how the smallest things can really throw your world upside down. In French, there’s a perfect word for it, “bouleverser“, which literally means “to throw/pour over a ball”, in the sense that you’re either turning the world on its head, or being thrown into rolling, bouncing chaos, or both.

In this case, a stranger on the internet took the time to write me a thoughtful comment. It’s something I immensely appreciate – those small acts of consideration for other human beings on the other end of a computer; an acknowledgement of “yes, I know you’re out there”… those are the kinds of things that really, truly touch me. So thank you, kind stranger, for acknowledging my presence out here, in the digital void. It means a lot.

That said, the content of this well-meant comment totally threw me… because it was spot on, and at the root of the greatest mystery plaguing my ever-suffering existence.

What do I do to change things?

How do I change things?

What is it that’s holding me back? And from what?

Failure? Fear? Familiarity? Indecision? All of the above?

How is it that someone from the outside can so easily see through me, and figure out exactly what’s tethering me down… and yet I can’t see it for myself?

I’m working on it, kind stranger, I’m working on it.

I feel I always will be – but I hope the answer comes sooner than later.


One thought on “Bouleversée

  1. Bran MacFeabhail says:

    It takes time to grow and change. That you recognize the need and have the will is good, but it is hard to see the issues if you’re right in the middle of something too. I think you’re a little hard on yourself. It took me moving 1800 miles from everything I know to get some perspective, to get out of my comfort zone. Some things I brought with me, but I left a lot behind too. I’m not recommending a cross-country move, but, sometimes a drastic action can set you on a path towards something better, even if you aren’t sure it’s going to work out.

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